Tired- A Venting post

I’ve been looking at the away message on my Google Chat.  It says “At Work” and it has said that for about four days now.  I haven’t changed it because….well, I have been at work.  Every day.  All day.  Either teaching or at the wine store.  I had yesterday off, but I was so exhausted that I lay down and took a two-hour nap from 6 until 8 last night.  There is something inherently depressing in an away message that hasn’t changed in 4 days.

Here’s the thing: Please do not comment on what I should do about the following.  Please don’t give me advice about who I should talk to or what I should tell to whichever person.  Please don’t tell me I need to soldier through and it will get better.  Please don’t tell me that I can’t let it get me down and I need to just be more positive.  I know, but for the time being I feel completely adrift and down and tired and frustrated and I need to be able to vent here without people making comments about how I can fix it.  I don’t want anyone to fix it, I just want to vent.  Okay?

So here’s the deal:  I am exactly eight days (counting today) away from tracking out.  Now, I actually have not been keeping count this time around because I can’t look that far ahead when it comes to teaching.  Things are terrible in my classroom right now about 60% of the time with two students.  It’s hard to image for some of you how two kids can wreck a person; especially when I am typically upbeat and let things roll off of me.  These two kids just wear me down, though.  So, looking at eight days is a hell of a lot harder than looking at just getting through today and on to the next day.  It depresses me that I am a damn good teacher, but because of my class this year I can’t be that person.  I can try all I want, but two or three kids end up ruining it.  I am officially the mean teacher on my hallway right now.  That actually makes me laugh on the one hand and secretly kills me at the same time.  When I have had to call in for subs…. some won’t take the job in my class!  That really bugs me because I feel like that is a reflection on me as a teacher, even though I know better.  It still hurts.

Another thing is that I feel like I haven’t had any time with Chris at all.  He went away for a guy weekend, which was totally cool.  But I worked the whole weekend.  Friday at school and the wine store, Saturday (all day) and then had Sunday off.  I was so tired on Sunday that I barely got anything done before Chris got home.  Then it was teaching on Monday and Tuesday and work at the wine store.  I had yesterday off, but spent most of my evening it sleeping or simply laying still because I had a migraine. It kills me that I am working two jobs and then I come home and I feel like the apartment is wrecked and I just don’t have the energy to clean up by the time 9:30PM rolls around and I am walking in the door.  99% of the time I come home, eat, kiss Chris and go to bed only to get a crappy night’s sleep and have to get up and do it all again tomorrow.  So, I don’t see Chris, the house is a mess, I am too tired on a daily basis and have usually one day of the weekend (Sunday) off.  It’s the vicious cycle of my life right now.  

Can I just say that it depresses me even more that I will mostly likely spend the first full week of my track out cleaning instead of really getting to relax?  And that we have enough dirty laundry to choke a horse?  I easily have enough laundry to last a day and a half.  You know how it happens- there are certain things you put in a low priority pile, right?  Well, I have about three of those.  I used to do laundry on Saturday, but not anymore.  I try and do it on Sunday, but I also try and sleep in so I don’t have a migraine for an entire week.  Sunday is the day I am catching up on sleep (which of course never really happens) and then do laundry.  It’s so overwhelming, though.

I am tired of feeling this way and some might say that I just need to put a stop to it.  I assure you, I have tried.  I am tired of feeling like a hamster running in a wheel and never getting anywhere.  It feels like on little thing gets done, but three others pile up.  I am tired of coming home and feeling shell-shocked.  I am tired of not seeing Chris and spending quality time with him.  I am tired of watching my “to do” list grow too long.  I am tired of trying to figure out when I will get time to pick out the last of the wedding stuff and knowing I am running out of time to get these done.  I know I can send my mom or Chris, but it’s MY wedding too!  I want to be able to do these things.  

Basically- I am just plain tired.  Tired of not liking my job enough, annoyed that I don’t get enough sleep, frustrated that I don’t have enough time to spend with Chris, and tired of a messy apartment.  And the kicker is- there isn’t much to be done about it right now.  I know that my track out will be spent mainly doing chores and it bugs me, but that’s life.  I know that the school year is coming closer to an end, but it doesn’t help the day to day (constant) frustration of dealing with certain students.  I know that next week I work three less hours than this week at the wine store and that will be better, but it is still 3 week nights I am not home.  I know that life will get better, but it’s not really a comfort now.  I know all of this…

And yet I am still just plain tired of my life right now and what I really wish is that I could lay down and have a good cry.  But I can’t because I have to go and pick up my students from Music and hope that no one got kicked out this week.